Today I decided to do a very personal blog entry. The reason behind it is because today I saw a girl get bullied by some guys at UTEP because of her weight. They were giggling and making fun of her behind her back and I overheard them. I want to share my journey and my story in hopes of changing people's perspective.
When I was 16 I was diagnosed with PCOS. PCOS stands for Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome. For those who don't know what it is, PCOS is a syndrome in which you develop Ovarian cysts and a hormonal imbalance due to insulin resistance. Thankfully I didn't develop the cysts part but I do suffer from the hormonal imbalance. Some of the symptoms include acne, hirsutism, infertility problems, ovary cysts, not having a period (amenorrhea), weight gain and inability to lose weight. This of course isn't much fun to have. It takes a toll on your body. For the majority of my teen years I thought that if I took the medication like I was supposed to that everything would be ok. I was a busy student and never really had attention towards my health. The problem is that the older I get the more I realize that all the bullying due to not losing weight, acne and societies standards of beauty I was left vulnerable and feeling like I wasn't worth it. It hurts even more when the people around you don't understand the internal struggle you are going through and unconsciously judge you.
My biggest problem is my weight. I won't lie that I have such a hard time losing weight and because of that I became very defensive and had very low self esteem. I hated how I looked. I didn't feel pretty despite being told otherwise by many different people. Until one night having a conversation with a very close friend, she opened my eyes for a big reality check. So what if I didn't have the perfect body?? So what if my hair wasn't as long and pretty as that of the girls on TV? What if I didn't have perfect skin? She made me realize that those things I believed were "flaws" were a part of me that I had to embrace. She then turned around and told me that just like the good things about me like being smart, loyal, sincere and empathic (which I didn't believe was me) were a part of me, so we're my flaws there to make me unique... To make me who I am. After that night I started to embrace who I truly was. I love being me. I also realized that the lifestyle I had taken where I didn't take care of myself wasn't what I wanted for my life. So I attempted to lead a healthier lifestyle.
Since 2013 I have taken better care of my health. I've had ups and downs and succeed at certain things and failed miserably at others. I have to admit that I lost weight for a while and after a year I gained it back. But then I realized that I hadn't failed. I was still 3 sizes smaller than what I started despite the fact that I had gained the weight back. Since I had started swimming, my body was becoming stronger.
At first I thought I sucked because I could only swim freestyle and only 25 meters at a time. So when I gained the weight back i thought to myself that I had failed. But in January of this year I started swimming again only to realize that my endurance and my body were stronger than ever. I can now swim 100 yards for a warmup and do about 2 hours of interval training in almost all strokes. When I couldn't do a single push up now I can do ten, which you might think it's a small number but it is a victory for me.
I have never been a quitter and because of that I am trying again to lose the weight not to look better but to feel better. I want to start taking care of myself because I have so many plans and dreams that I want to achieve.
Anyways, the reason for this post is for people that are struggling like me and that feel like you are on your own you are not. For those who don't feel "pretty" or like they are "enough", you are beautiful and you are enough. Love yourself for your flaws and your strengths. It's time that we change our perspective of beauty and start loving ourselves. It is time to stop being so judgemental and become more supportive with one another. You are pretty and you are enough.
With much love,
Sam
